I have a strong desire to become myself.
I have always held, in my mind, an idealized version of myself. For a long time, I tricked myself into thinking I was that man. I didn’t do the things he did, and I didn’t think the way he would think. However, is till tricked myself into thinking I had what it took to be him.
This is not the case anymore, thankfully.
It is more depressing, living a life in which you truly recognize who it is that you really are. The person that walks around in your shoes all day, pulls them off with relief at night, speaks the words that seep from your mouth, eats the food you choose to eat…this is a person you have no choice but to face. I am learning this more and more every day. It hurts to come closer to myself, because it is so far and away from the idealized being who has, for so long, lived within the catacombs of my mind.
I had so much free time to work on becoming that person, for so long. Now, I am pressed for time, and feel as if I have all but become the opposite of my desired self. Lately, I have been trying more, which is good. By lately, I meant the last couple years. I come and go in spurts of inspiration and attempt at change, slowly going back to my old, lazy ways, inching closer to a reality in which I die with nothing but regret for the life I have led.
Today is another change-day. I am doing things to better myself, to realize some of these dreams. That feels alright. It never really feels good anymore, because I know it mostly counts for nothing unless I make a habit of it.
I hope that everyone out there with similar struggles has a productive and peaceful day. I know those can be hard to find.
I went to a Jimmy John’s this past Monday, and I read a sign there that said to me, “working hard is a better cure for worry than whiskey”. I found this to be very crucial to my understanding of how to live a better life, even if my preference of late is vodka.