I read a stupid quote today that really got to me.
“Maybe we feel so empty because we left pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.”
It’s dumb, and I know that it is. But it is exactly how I feel.
I feel like I thrived in a college environment. I do suffer from social anxiety, but I cherished the moments when I was around tons of people and could make them all laugh. Those were the best moments of my life. I don’t remember specific moments right now, but I know that I have been funny before. I have been entertaining. I loved it. I loved talking to tons of different people in the scope of one evening. I loved being social.
I’m not social anymore. Part of me loves that. It is a much less exhausting existence.
The other part hates it. The other part of me wants to go back to living in a dorm, to studying abroad, to being broke and drunk and…well, those things are mostly true anyway right now, save for drunk…anyway, whatever.
I want to live around various people. I want to have my alone time, but go out and talk to a group of crazy, different, weird, wacko characters. People are so strange and different and…I love them. I hate them sometimes, but I love them. I cherish the moment when I connect with someone who is completely different from me. I love that so much.
I haven’t had that in at least two years now.
I feel like I put so many pieces into the social part of myself. Maybe not in each person I used to talk to, maybe just in that part of myself that is now dormant.
I feel depressed without that part of myself being active, but I also feel like there is no way to get that part of my life back.
How the hell do people socialize these days? Where do you go? Bars suck–they’re stupid expensive and I hate them for making me lose hundreds of dollars just to get a buzz going. So what then? No one goes up and talks to strangers at a park. You can’t talk in the theaters. People go to restaurants to be with the people they went with.
I mean, oh well, right? There is a lot to be said for not being around people a lot. Less drama, less money spent. Maybe this is good for me. Maybe I’m supposed to really work on myself for a while. That’s probably the case. I could use some self-work.
Some real work wouldn’t hurt either–Baziiing!
I suppose I’ll try to pursue some creative endeavors, see how that works out. Maybe moreso tomorrow than today. Today sort of sucks. I’ll wait out today for the most part. What I’ve written today hasn’t been very good or original. And I mean, if I’m going to write terrible stuff, I’d at least like it to be daring.
I don’t know how to end this post. Cheesecake cookies from the Nice! brand are good, but cheesecake itself kind of blows. It’s just too much.