Titles are Hard

I think I want to start doing a daily thing where I go over my morning emotions. They're the hardest to sift through because I don't really account for the time needed to sit, weighted on my mattress, pondering whatever blurry thought or troublesome dream that's decided to rip apart my sense of "morning".

I am caught between the need to allow half of my mind to continue sleeping for the rest of the day, and being restlessly irritable. In either case, I'm not feeling sociable. But that will change, as it does throughout the course of each day. And if I engage with others while feeling this way, it will most certainly lead to more anxiety. The easiest solution being isolation, leaving myself to contend with loneliness as the least intimidating beast of the bunch.

Other than this edged haze centered in the left side of my skull, I'm well. I worked out yesterday. I slept in a good bed. I'm washed and moisturized, and I've had some water. I'm far and away from anyone who truly wishes to hurt me.

It's Saint Patrick's Day and all I can think of relevant to that is how annoying I was in the past, claiming an Irish heritage that isn't truly mine to claim. Wanting desperately to have some sort of identity to cling to, something to let me feel like more than a heart plug with no chest socket.

At the very least, I have nearly accepted myself as queer. So there's that, as a community.

I'm not sure how quickly this day will pass. I would like to rest this eve, rather than cling to the sunless hours in hopes of reaching some random, insightful satisfaction with myself to cuddle with as the next morning rises.


Wise Words From RicePirate: Life is Perfect (Blog Post)

Alright so, I’ve seen people on this particular site posting all sorts of stuff they didn’t write. So I thought, “why not do the same, but with someone modern and awesome?” So! I bring to you a post about happiness from one of my favorite people in the world right now: Mick, better known as RicePirate. He is an animator/voice actor who is incredibly personable and genuinely cool. I feel awesome being able to share his words of wisdom.

You can find his YT channel here, and you can find podcasts in which his voice brings you more deep thoughts as well as hearty laughs here. Here are the aforementioned words of wisdom.

“Life is perfect.

Imperfection implies that something is out of place, something is flawed, something is wrong. But by whose standards? These are judgments that we, as people, apply to the world around us in order to measure good and bad, correct and incorrect. Life isn’t some tangible being with moral values. Life is not fair, but it is not vindictive, it is merely what it is. Life does not pick favorites or select victims. Life does not keep score or hand down judgment.

The past cannot be changed and never will be, so I accept that life is exactly what it should be. It could not be any other way. Any flaws I see, are judgments made from my mind, based on my beliefs. Any notions of changing the past to better the world (by my standards) are impossible. Everything that has ever occurred, has led to this moment. And, now, the next.

If I accept life is exactly what it should be, that life is perfect, I feel a sense of freedom: That fate will never single me out for success or failure. The experiences that come my way are out of my control. And that they are as they should be.

This isn’t to say that we’re just leaves blowing around in the wind. We move forward, we take action, we hypthosize about what consequences will follow our actions, we live for tomorrow. But no matter what actions I take, I accept that I am not in control of the outcome. I can do everything in my power to reach a result: I may reach it, and I may not. Either way, it’s exactly as it should be.

In some ways, this thought makes me feel helpless. That no matter how willful I am, I can’t change the weather, or stop a meteor from hitting the Earth. But there is an even greater sense of peace, knowing that I’m not a victim of circumstance, I’m merely experiencing what is meant to be.

The freedom to act, to work and dream and pursue goals, without the fear of life working against me. Because failure is a man-made construct. The freedom to recieve tragic news, and to know that it’s not a matter of fair or unfair, but simply is what is meant to be.

Does that mean I just sit back and accept life as it comes at me? I can. But fighting back is just as part of the equation as passively accepting it.

All I can do is swim forward and experience what comes my way. It’s not about passively accepting the “fate” I’m “dealt”, it’s about accepting that failure is not a “sign” from “life” to quit, that success is not “affirmation” I was “meant” to exist. When I am pushed, that is perfect. When I push back, that is perfect.

If I can accept this. That every action, every moment has it’s place, because it exists and could not be any other way.  I feel a sense of comfort. The helpless comfort of knowing that  I have no control over life, and that all I can do is move forward, take responsibility for my actions, and embrace what may come.

I personally find comfort knowing that my life is perfect.”

– RicePirate